Happy 19th bithday Laura. Today is your birthday. We spoke on the phone for the first time in a long time yesterday. Know that I think about you everyday. An attachment disorder is at the root of our estrangement and I believe that one day love will break the bars that currently separate us. Your sense of hurt and anger is palpable. Know that I have only positive thoughts for the three of you. It remains my sincere hope that you will continue to seek solace fro the gentle of heart. The world needs more love and understanding. NOT LESS. Bonne Ete laura

Bernie The Monkey Helps His Creator Cope With Loss

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago in a land far, far, far away... there lived a little monkey named Bernie the Monkey. One morning, Bernie the Monkey awoke suddenly in his little bed in his little room in his little house in the little Bosquet Magico (Magic Forest). Someone was weeping softly outside his bedroom window. "Is that you, King Aaron," Bernie the Monkey called out from under his warm blankets. "Has the Giant stolen the "Goose that Lays the Golden Eggs" yet again. Do you want me to sit atop the butterfly that is as big as an airplane, engage in mortal combat with the flying vulture who keeps insisting that he will only "be glad when I am dead", and rescue the goose only after an exhausted giant falls asleep with a sore nose and eye (from when I poke him with the spoon in the coffee cup) and then tie gunpowder to his big toe and make him go "kaboom"... Is that what you require of me, my old friend King Aaron? If so, just let me know," Bernie the Monkey called out to his old friend as he rummaged around for his "Round the Bush... Round the Bush big black bearskin housecoat. To his great surprise, however, when he finally looked out the window he did not see his good ol' friend King Aaron sitting on a toadstool outside his bedroom window. Instead it was someone Bernie the Monkey had never, ever seen before. Someone he was never meant to even glimpse at for fear of upsetting "spacetime". As all educated monkeys know the space–time continuum is a mathematical model that combines space and time into a single interwoven continuum. The spacetime of Bernie the Monkey's universe is usually interpreted from a Euclidean space perspective, with space consisting of three dimensions, and time as consisting of one dimension, the "fourth dimension". On this bright, crisp September 9, 2015, morning however Bernie the Monkey was thrust suddenly into a FIFTH DIMENSION as he looked into the face of the man behind the invention of the hairy little ape-like Bernie. "Are you the Wizard of Oz," Bernie the Monkey asked hesitantly. No, the man replied, I am Laura and Elizabeth's father. I lost my two daughters just over three years ago and don't know how to find them. I left a trail of breadcrumbs but the crows devoured them all years ago. I left a trail of white quartz pebbles but the stonemason collected them all, unfortunately, to decorate his new cement fireplace mantlepiece. I left a trail of broken hearts but the winds of time have carried them all away. I left a trailing tale of woe in the form of tears but the flowers soaked them all up on the morn' when the dew forgot to appear. I left a pathway of children's picture books from the Alta Vista library and covered them all with honey (for honey is sweet and so is reading) but the animals of the forest collected them all and returned them to the library after three years and $3,000 pesos in late fees. I left a host of faded Kodak photos from the childhood years only to have the winds of time sweep up every last remnant of photographic evidence that I ever existed and throw it into the dustbin of forgotten history. I left a maze of intricate memories (such as playing ping pong on the kitchen table; dancing to the musical theme of "Un homme et son péché" des Belles Histoires des Pays-d'en-Haut de Claude-Henri Grignon" on the old parlour radio in the Museum of Science and Technology, awaiting the tickles that invariably followed the tr_sty, r_sty, p_ck_t knif_, dancing in the kitchen with each of my daughters when they were infants to the sound of Debussy' Clair de Lune for 21 minutes (it was absolute heaven and the girls could fit in my hand when I first began that custom which continued until they got older), playing in the bathtub with the two of them splashing water everywhere and having a grand old time...

Grief and Ongoing Pain in Parents Dealing with Alienation - By Dr. Barbara Steinberg

Grief and Ongoing Pain in Parents Dealing with Alienation By Dr. Barbara Steinberg Q: A parent who has been alienated from his or her child's life experiences extreme loss. Often we are asked by a targeted parent, "How do I deal with his on-going pain?" Defining the problem A: First, know that you are not alone. There are others, both mothers and fathers, who have similar experiences, and who are in deep agony over the loss of contact and meaningful relationship with their children. Second, know that you are not crazy. In our culture we are not encouraged to experience our grief. We are taught to be strong, to rise above it, to tough it out, to get over it and get on with life. Sometimes that is wise counsel if we linger in our pain, and our outrage becomes the complete focus of our life affecting our work, our social life and our spirit. However, the loss of a child whether by death or by exclusion from that child's life is beyond the realm of most parents' ability to cope. In the beginning of an alienation process, we believe, as parents, this is not really happening. We deny that the other parent of our child is capable of these vengeful acts, and we choose not to believe our child, whom we love deeply, would ever treat us in such a hurtful ways. Denial is the strongest emotional defense mechanism we have at our disposal, and it is the one on which we rely the most. For most parents, because they truly want contact and relationship with their child, their denial does not hold up under time or with the reality of the disconnection they experience. Third, many parents feel confusion, which suggests they are not able to identify and process the bunch of emotions; they are experiencing in their gut. Usually, these can be separated into feelings of deep sadness, intense anger, extreme outrage, and desperate blame. To keep from being overwhelmed by this internal "bucket of worms," many parents detach from the situation that they believe is an act of self-preservation. Some bargain with them using the following logic, "My child will get what's happened when he/she turns eighteen so I'll just wait." Both strategies are akin to whistling in the dark. Fourth, targeted parents want to know how to deal with these strong emotions in healthy ways because if allowed to remain unreleased, they often gain a life of their own and emerge at inappropriate and inopportune times toward others who do not understand or deserve the depth and intensity of the feeling. Sometimes, these emotions are held internally. In an attempt to self-medicate the resulting pain, the targeted parent turns to addictive behaviors or substances. Eventually, if strong emotions are held internally for a long period of time, they can convert into physical problems, which plague the individual for the remainder of his/her life. So the dilemma remains, what do I do with my pain? Keeping a journal or diary is helpful, but strong emotions require active self-interventions. Many parents report feeling relief from their deep sadness by allowing themselves to cry and scream. If you believe this might assist you in your process, to avoid embarrassment, it is wise to isolate yourself perhaps in a quiet, natural place so you can grieve in an unrestrained and unobserved way. It is also helpful to take a sequence of your child's pictures so you can activate your feelings of loss. Intense anger is a physical activator so you will need to participate in a focused activity such as bowling, driving golf balls at a range or hitting balls in a batting cage. A less expensive approach is throwing ice cubes at a sturdy wall, an activity, that parents report, gives a sense of relief and release from ever tightening bands of anger. Outrage describes a parent who feels misunderstood so there needs to be some attention paid to "telling your story." The problem is finding a receptive listener who has the patience and energy to hear the saga of hurt, frustration and humiliation more than once. Targeted parents can tell their story into a small tape recorder; they can write their story by hand into a journal, a loose-leaf notebook or a diary. They can use a word processor and store it on computer disc, or if they are creatively inclined, they can write poems to their children. Some parents have already published their story in books and poetry. Of importance here is the intention to alleviate the outrage of misunderstanding that, as a parent, you are unimportant, even nonessential in your child's life. Also, it is important that you be heard, and that you remind yourself that you are still a parent by keeping your child's pictures around you. Another approach is to involve yourself in the parenting role with other children as a Godparent, as an involved uncle or aunt, as a Big Brother or Big Sister. Validating yourself as a parent can go a long way to heal feelings of outrage. Finally, desperate blame is probably the most difficult bereavement issue to process. Some blame is justifiable: the other parent, the other parent's family, the legal and social services system, your child, yourself. Solving the problem However, the only one under your jurisdiction of control is yourself so this is the part that you work with in three separate ways. First, it is critical, regardless of the attitude and reception from the other parent, from the other parent's family and from your child that you stay in positive contact with them. Civility and cordiality in face-to-face contact is essential regardless of what is said in your presence or behind your back. In addition, sending your child cards, letters and little packages on unimportant days is appropriate. Also, communicating with your child by telephone, by e-mail and by facsimile can be effective. If you have completely lost contact with your child, then set your priority to find him/her and restore contact at least by distance. If this is impossible, then collect items and memorabilia in a special box or trunk reserved for your child and the possibility of future contact. Second, become active as a citizen for positive change, and learn about the strengths and weaknesses of the system you blame for preventing you from having parenting opportunities with your child. This action may not change the disposition of your situation, but you may make the system a better place for other targeted parents and their children. Third, for your sake and for the sake of your relationship with your child, it is imperative that you forgive the other parent. Notice there was no mention of forgetting what has happened, or how you have been treated, but again, for restoring your emotional balance and your ability to cope with life challenges in healthy ways, you will need to forgive the alienator. For some, this is a spiritual journey, and for others the path is a secular one. What is important is that you go about this process in a unique way that you believe will work for you so the specter of losing your child is diminished, and your health and well being are in restoration.

HAPPY EASTER 2015 LAURA AND ELIZABETH

I miss you both very much. If you have a bit of time after your university year ends in a few weeks, your Dad would appreciate it if you would watch the series of 5-minute videos on the internet called: Dr. Childress talks to the child. Craig Childress of Passadena, California, made that series of videos to address the exact type of problem that has befallen our lovely family, my girls. If the two of you never make it back to your Dad because it hurts too much inside to love him, I will have no choice but to accept that as my family`s unfortunate fate. I have been through the 12 stages of grief in the past three years approx. and accept that the two of you may never make your way back to your father. Just know that the door will remain open for as long as I live. That is because my attachment to my daughters remains intact. You did not choose your parents. Joyeuse Paques, To be continued. Love Dad

Hi Eli and Laura - Have a good month of April. Regards, your father.

The verdict on zero tolerance in Ontario - excellent article

The Scales of Injustice The verdict on zero tolerance is in and it isn't good. Designed to protect women from abusive partners, the rigid, 'one-size-fits-all' strategy too often ensnares couples who feel remorse after an argument gets a little out of hand. 'Calling 911 is like pressing the nuclear button. You cannot call the missiles back,' one lawyer told KIRK MAKIN, who looks at the devastating impact of a policy that wasn't meant to ruin lives and destroy marriages. by Kirk Makin, The Globe and Mail 11 January 2003 After bickering all day Saturday, the tension in the house as night fell was unbearable. As Gerald and Elena prepared to put four-year-old Emma to bed, Elena finally snapped. "She started throwing stuff and attacked me in front of my daughter," recalled Gerald, a 41-year-old computer analyst. "It was a total loss of control. My daughter was crying and I was scared. I panicked and called 911." Then he barricaded himself in one of the bedrooms of his snug Toronto townhome and began singing lullabies to calm his daughter. The child's crying seemed to enrage Elena more. She grabbed the phone and told an 911 operator that her husband intended to kill her. Five minutes later, a disbelieving Gerald was being dragged away in handcuffs. Officers at the police station realized that his cut lip and neck abrasions backed up his story. They returned to arrest Elena, a part-time store clerk -- and take a thoroughly frightened Emma to sleep at a neighbour's house. Gerald spent two days behind bars. His wife spent four. They were released only after agreeing not to contact one another for any reason. The order obliged Gerald and his elderly mother, who lived with them, to move out of the family home immediately. For the next few months, they slept on a relative's living-room floor. Lawyers for the couple finally persuaded the Crown last month that the assault charges would not succeed. After not seeing one another in months, Gerald and Elena stared across a Toronto courtroom as the charges were formally dropped. "We were traumatized and thrown in jail," Gerald said. "It basically ruined our lives and destroyed our marriage. I lost all my savings of about $27,000. "They created all this animosity, pain, agony and humiliation -- and why? Because they think every family is going to kill each other? I must have been the most stupid person in the world to dial that 911 number. I would never dial it again. I would rather that I had died." Their story shows the devastation that zero tolerance can wreak and why the opposition to it is growing increasingly louder. A couple of decades ago, there was a widespread perception that domestic abuse was strictly a private matter. That changed dramatically after a series of inquests into slain spouses -- not to mention considerable lobbying by concerned women's groups. Zero tolerance was born. Although developed as a life line for women unable to stand up to brutish spouses, critics say zero tolerance is tying the hands of police officers at the same time as it patronizes women and destroys their families. They say it blithely reduces the complexity of crime and punishment to a one-size-fits-all philosophy, indiscriminately entangling both serious and small-time offenders in its dragnet. "This is the area of my practice where I see the greatest potential for injustice," says Robert Rotenberg, the lawyer who represented Mr. MacNeil. "Whatever happened to our notion of people as individuals? There is this underlying generalization that lumps every man in with the most extreme cases. You can't run a justice system through stereotypes." Across the country, each province developed its own strict guidelines for police and crown attorneys to follow. The rigid measures of zero tolerance usually result in: -- Laying assault or threatening charges virtually any time a woman makes an abuse claim, whether or not she agrees to it. -- Opposing bail for the accused. -- Imposing orders that force defendants out of the family home. -- Keeping prosecutions going even after spouses have resolved their differences. No one denies the need to treat domestic abuse seriously; 69 men and 16 women were charged with killing their partners last year alone. But critics of zero tolerance point to a long line of marginal cases that lawyer Melvyn Green lumps into a single category: "Single-instance, minor transgressions by immediately remorseful husbands." These cases typically start late at night, after an argument rages out of control. "Many, many, many domestic assaults are a very brief encounter at the end of a verbal fight," Mr. Rotenberg says. "The man grabs his wife and says: 'You're not going out!' " The defendant sits in jail until Monday morning -- and several days longer if the court lists are too clogged. It makes no difference whether the complainant weeps and cajoles the Crown until she is blue in the face: The machinery is in motion. "Most people don't know that calling 911 is like pressing the nuclear button," Toronto defence lawyer Alan Gold remarks. "You cannot call the missiles back." Obtaining bail often means forgoing contact with one's wife or children, which many men agree to rather than face months in jail or a costly bail review at the Superior Court level. "For the first 72 hours, I would say every man who contacts me is in extreme shock and depression," Mr. Rotenberg says. "A lot of them are suicidal. These are normal people who love their children. Their lives have been ripped apart. The criminal justice system is a sledgehammer. When it gets involved in people's lives, it is as if you've dropped a bomb into their marriage. You have marriages ending after 18 years because someone reached out and grabbed an arm." Lawyer Dan Brodsky says the no-contact orders are often imposed without the complainant even being warned. The defendant is given 20 or 30 minutes to remove his belongings from the home, while a police officer stands guard. They are able to take only a few personal items, lawyers say. The complainant doesn't have to let him in, and any disagreement over property is usually resolved in her favour. A defendant who has rebuffed offers from the Crown to plea-bargain often gains no comfort months later if he is acquitted. "He hasn't had contact with his family for eight, 12 or 16 months," Mr. Rotenberg says. "The kids don't know who he is any more. The wife ends up keeping the house and kids. So, you have a man who is not guilty of anything, but loses everything. I've had clients who wanted to plead guilty just because they couldn't take the conditions, the delays." Mr. Brodsky says that unless a defendant or the complainant pays for a lawyer and privately commission a psychiatric report to show the presiding judge, "it is almost impossible to fight a no-contact order." Another Toronto lawyer, Tanya Kranjc, has managed to overturn five no-contact orders on behalf of complainants. She says her clients were fortunate enough to have one thing in common: They did not fit the stereotype. "Most of them are middle-aged, educated, professional women who do not fit what I think is their [the prosecution's] image of a victim," Ms. Kranjc says. "They were not doing this out of fear, but mostly because of their children. They said they had no idea when they called the police that their husband would be charged. They all just wanted the case to go away." Ms. Kranjc says the women also had the advantage of resources. "The only way to do it is to get a lawyer, fork over a couple of thousand dollars, and hope for the best." Maria's gaze did not waver as she lit a fuse under the Crown's case one morning recently in a court exclusively set aside for domestic assault cases. "I didn't really want to bother with the courts," she testified. "If I had a choice, I wouldn't have come. I had a problem with my marriage -- like everyone else. But everything has been blown out of proportion. It has been a nightmare." Initially a mainstay in her husband Vince's prosecution for uttering death threats to her, Maria had long since switched sides. She now expressed shame and sympathy for a man who had caught his wife with an apparent suitor. "Sorry to use the expression, but I realized he just wanted to have me in bed," she told Ontario Court Judge Brent Knazan. "It was while my husband was in jail that I came to my senses." Wearing the resigned air of one who had seen it all before, Crown counsel Erin Winocur noted that a police videotape made hours after the altercation showed Maria expressing fear of her husband. Had she been intimidated into changing her story? "I swore at him," said Maria. "I called him a bad name. He called me one back. That was all. I was sick at the time and said things I shouldn't have said. He's innocent. I don't think I was ever afraid of my husband." Lacking other evidence to prove the charge, Ms. Winocur reluctantly withdrew it. Just two people would ever know whether Maria was a recanting victim cowed by a repressive husband or a tough-minded woman unwilling to bow to the uncompromising demands of zero tolerance. Mr. Brodsky traces the notion that women are too helpless to be believed back to a 1987 Supreme Court of Canada ruling in Regina v. Lavallee that created the so-called battered woman's defence. The defendant in that case, an abused woman, was acquitted of murder on the grounds that she had a right to defend herself against an unspeakably brutal spouse. "The concept that arose out of it was that most of the time, women can't speak for themselves," says Mr. Brodsky, who helped defend Ms. Lavallee. "Isn't that insulting? We never expected that zero tolerance would be put in place because of Lavallee." It is still impressed on prosecutors that zero tolerance is a vital tool that saves lives. The Ontario Crown Policy Manual, a bible for Ontario prosecutors, states emphatically that whether or not the complainant agrees, "all such assaults shall be prosecuted with vigour." One women in 10 is physically abused by a partner, the manual states unequivocally, and each is likely to have been previously assaulted as many as 30 or more times in the past. The statistics are infamous among defence lawyers, many of whom doubt their accuracy and believe they are used to rationalize harsh measures against small-time offenders. "The figure is now dated," acknowledges Peter Jaffe, director of the London Family Court Clinic and a high-profile advocate for abused women. "But in general, it is true to say that when a case comes to the attention of the police, there tends to be a pattern." But Edmonton lawyer Brian Beresh believes zero tolerance been seized on by victim advocacy groups who stand to reap financial benefits. "They have tied themselves to police forces. After an arrest, the police immediately take [complainants] to these groups." Yet, surprisingly, some of those with reservations about zero tolerance are in the victims movement itself. "Since zero tolerance came into being a few years ago, I really feel we should take another look at it," says Sharon Rosenfeldt, chairwoman of the Ontario government's Office of Victims of Crime. "Every case is different, and every victim responds differently. We're learning more and more about where there are problems. We should do some research." There is also an unexpected meeting of minds between some feminists, victim advocates and defence lawyers who see zero tolerance as preventing women from expressing their independence. Eileen Morrow, director of the Ontario Association of Interval and Transition Houses, says it has proved tough to create a system that protects women while at the same time "providing control to women who are caught up in the system against their will. "Many women will say: 'I wish I had never called the police. I didn't get justice, I just got revictimized,' " Ms. Morrow says. "The criminal justice system needs to respond to women and be sensitive to their concerns about losing control." She says the real problem is not so much zero tolerance as the lack of social services available to women whose lives are disrupted by a prosecution. "Governments see this as a victims' rights and crime-control problem," she says. "But it is more than that. It is about who is going to look after your kids? How are you going to eat? The criminal justice system is a very small part of this." While Dr. Jaffe defends zero tolerance as a necessary response to years of inaction by police, he says that "the solution wasn't to turn the pendulum to the other extreme." He says the "blunt instrument" of the criminal law is now being overused at the expense of other programs to reduce spousal violence and help victims. Stringent bail conditions and the lack of discretion vested in police and Crowns are causes for concern, he says. "Judges have become like neurosurgeons operating with a hammer and chisel," Dr. Jaffe says. "I think we have a lot of work to do. The system needs retooling and retraining." An Ontario prosecutor who has dealt with many domestic abuse cases agrees. She says the bad, old days of not treating domestic abuse seriously "have been replaced by the troubling assumption that if it happened this time, it probably happened before -- 32 times, we are told, to be precise -- and that she is a helpless victim with no free will or insight." Sadly, the policy may be defeating its aims, says the prosecutor, who stresses that she remains a strong believer in prosecuting "gendered violence." "A coercive process that, once engaged, cannot be abandoned for any reason, may discourage many complainants from coming forward," she says. "Many of the protocols that have cropped up around zero tolerance are themselves offensive -- for example, videotaping statements of complainants so they can't successfully recant down the road. This is not merely coercive, but it involves ancillary insults." To criticize zero tolerance is to invite instant attack from its advocates - particularly if the criticisms focus on the way men are treated under the policy. Mr. Rotenberg said he is so fed up that he no longer cares who attacks him for telling the truth. "There is zero tolerance for men, but there is no zero tolerance for women," Mr. Rotenberg asserts. "Police are reluctant to charge women. In fact, I can't remember a women being charged unless there was a physical injury. Whereas, men are charged all the time without there being a physical injury." Cases where the custody of children are part of the backdrop can be particularly unfair, Mr. Rotenberg says. An unproved allegation of domestic abuse against a mother is bound to devastate the chances of a father gaining custody or favourable visitation rights, he says. "That's the secret undercurrent in all this," he says. "When a man faces even the most minor charge, it puts an enormous cloud over his head in all the family proceedings. There are definitely wives who are told by their family lawyers that if you have grounds to charge your spouse, it will be a great advantage to them in the custody battle. There is no doubt this happens a lot." A Toronto couple who went to Mr. Green for help, however, represented the flip side of the coin. The woman, who holds a senior media job, and her husband, who works in publishing, wanted to stay together. "Their relationship had been strained for some time," Mr. Green says. "It was never anything physical, but the tension was palpable. It came to a head that Saturday night, when their barbed exchanges -- chiefly about parenting -- led to a single push." They gave police precisely the same account. "She had wanted to draw a line," Mr. Green says. "He understood, and was ashamed. But to her amazement, police told her they had no choice but to arrest her husband. Despite her protests, they did just that. Because it was a holiday weekend, he was held until Tuesday morning for a bail hearing." Mr. Green advised the wife to retain her own lawyer. Together, he said, they could lean on the prosecutor to consent to bail. It worked -- but only after the wife agreed to sign a legal paper authorizing her to withdraw her consent at any time. "She hated this piece of paper," Mr. Green says. "She hated being deputized; being an agent of the state. She came to hate the way the entire process patronized her and treated her as a 'victim.' " In the end, the husband pleaded guilty to common assault largely to spare his wife having to testify. He got a conditional discharge. "They have done some counselling, and they're still together," Mr. Green says. "But it would take a monstrous act for her to ever call 911 again." Domestic assaults have always been a wearying reality of police life. "On a given night, we have six or seven [defendants] come through here," says a 23-year veteran of the Toronto Police Service. "Five of them may be domestics. We have to lay charges. The government has made me throw out a net that catches everybody in it. "Say you piss off your wife one night and she decides to call the cops to say: 'He assaulted me.' If there is any redness on the side of her face, I no longer have any discretion. I shall charge you. You're going to be in jail until Monday and you'll be living in your car after that. Imagine how your life is going to change?" If he were free to use his discretion, the officer estimates that he would let 20 per cent of the people he charges off with a lecture. They would be the cases where an angry wife has called 911 to jolt her husband, he says, or where the repercussions of a criminal charge clearly outweigh the actual allegations. "We have women who go back to court and say: 'I want him to come back because I still love him' or -- if they are more honest -- because he is the sole breadwinner," the officer says. "That happens quite a bit. The Crown just sits there and says it's not acceptable." In a case two years ago, CBC radio reporter Robert Rowbotham was charged with assaulting his girlfriend, Valerie Phillips. His parole on a drug-importing sentence was revoked. Ms. Phillips quickly recanted, saying she had fabricated the story in a drunken attempt to pay Mr. Rowbotham back for breaking up with her. She even pointed to her criminal record for perjury. Several months later, the Crown conceded that it had nothing to back up her account and a judge acquitted Mr. Rowbotham. "How they could take my story seriously is beyond me," Ms. Phillips said disgustedly at one point in her quest to end the prosecution. The Toronto police officer says it is not hard to understand why police were stripped of their discretion in domestic abuse cases, since a single error in judgment can have devastating results. "The government said: 'Let's take the power away from the cops so they can't make a mistake.' But my bottom line is: Give me the tools to do the job. Don't handcuff me." Mr. Rotenberg says the problem is that "everybody is covering their posterior. The police officer has to lay a charge. The Crown has to run a bail hearing instead of agreeing to bail. And the JP doesn't want to be the one who has blood on his hands if something goes wrong." Mr. Gold, the Toronto defence lawyer, calls it "Coroner's Inquest Syndrome" -- a condition he defines as the fear of having to testify at the next coroner's inquest into a slain spouse. "A thousand people will be kept in custody to prevent the one-in-a-thousand or the one-in-ten-thousand who might commit a serious crime," Mr. Gold says. "It is the very antithesis of justice, which involves the individualized consideration of each case." However, some police remain true believers. "I've had prosecutors say they didn't want to proceed, but that it came down to the police pushing them," says Mr. Beresh, the Edmonton lawyer. He says some prosecutors in the Prairie provinces have told him privately that they would have withdrawn or reduced charges if they felt they had the leeway to do so. "If you step outside the guidelines, you have to justify it in a major way," Mr. Beresh says. "There is an absolute fettering of their discretion as to which cases should be prosecuted and which shouldn't." There are few cases that can worry a judge as much as a domestic abuse case. The motives of husbands and wives are often hard to decipher, and a wrong word can instantly launch a formal complaint or a public denunciation. "A judge in domestic assault court said to me recently, 'They want to make me a social worker,' " Mr. Beresh says. The judge added that many of the cases she sees don't belong in the criminal courts. It is not a sentiment any judge is likely to state publicly. From the lobbying of groups like the Toronto Woman Abuse Council to the vitriol of columnists like The Toronto Star's Michele Landsberg, the domestic abuse victims network has a powerful presence that silences most critics. A tactic known as "court-watching" arrived in Canada recently to add to the pressure on judges. Based on a U.S. model, Women's Court Watch is funded largely by the Ontario government's Trillium Foundation. Its administrators are paid, but those who sit in courtrooms to note how cases progress and what judges say are volunteers -- usually abused women or students. Women's Court Watch co-ordinator Anya Kater notes that the presence of court-watchers is equally useful in reminding prosecutors that they must not shrink from taking a hard line. "There is a kind of creative tension between us and Crowns, because there is a perception that we're judging them," she says. "It's good to keep them on their toes too." The statistics the group compiles may be wildly unscientific, but that didn't stop a sprinkling of reporters from lapping it all up at a recent press conference to publicize 179 cases the group had observed. Among the information Ms. Kater's group provided was a rating of judicial comments made during trials which the group rated as "positive," "negative" or "neutral." Other observations included judges who improved their scores by offering Kleenex to emotional complainants or making sympathetic eye contact in order "to send them a message that they are welcome in the courtroom." Vivian Green, director of the council, told the press conference that judges consistently downgrade the value of prosecutions where a complainant has recanted or doesn't wish to testify. "Judicial independence cannot be an excuse for lack of accountability towards abused women," she said. Ms. Kater criticizes judges for administering too many "slaps on the wrist." In addition, she says, abused women and their advocates are not paid enough heed in the courtroom. Still, Ms. Kater found some rays of hope. "In half the abuse cases, offenders were held in custody until their trial," she says. "That is very positive, and we would like to see more of that." But critics of zero tolerance maintain that those caught up in many first-time domestic offences would often be better off diverted into marital counselling, anger management or substance abuse programs. "I see money being spent on legal fees that should be spent elsewhere," Mr. Gold says. "After tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees, a charge gets dropped. As lawyers, it is certainly not in our financial interest to see changes dropped -- but we would rather take smaller fees and see it dealt with intelligently." Ms. Morrow, the director of the Ontario Association of Interval and Transition Houses, says it is dispiriting to watch governments throw money into domestic abuse prosecutions while they starve transition houses and programs that provide welfare, social housing or other social services to women who are suddenly rearing children on their own. "Things are often put in place by a system that just wants to get people off its back," she says. "If they are put in place by people who don't actually understand what people want, it can actually cause more trouble. In reality, the number of domestic abuse cases that end in a conviction is not very high, Ms. Morrow said. Even if it were, she said, "let's face it -- he is not going to jail forever. That is not the solution, anyway. Many women feel the process doesn't really change his behaviour or keep them safe." Kirk Makin writes on legal affairs for The Globe and Mail. Reprinted with permission of the author. All material Copyright (c) Bell Globemedia Publishing Inc. and its licensors. All rights reserved.

Buen journo principessas Laura y Elizabeth. Como estan? Next post will be scene from SHAW SHANK REDEMPTION WITH OPERA SONG.

Just play the scene in your head or did player. The scene in LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL' is when Guido, the dad, plays a song on the gramophone in the concentration camp. To signal that life is beautiful despite our being separated inside a man made prison. PLAY THAT Song anytime to know that you remain in my thoughts, and that I am still working to rescue all of us from thathat prison of body and mind and heart into which wehave been imprisoned.

Have a great week Elizabeth and Laura - Love Dad. XXOOO = Sunday, March 15, 2015

1- sometimes I listen to classical piano music and recall my daughters playing at the pianpiano.i used to steal musical me ends and today I can recall the music and return to a happier time before the Great Darkness. such as when grandmother nunan listened to the piano practices via a phone surreptitiously left near the piano.

Lots of love to Laura and Eli. Just a shout out to both of you. Love Dad XXOOO on March 2, 2015.

Try to limit anger, try to increase happy. How to find more positive and affectionate relationships

While we always need to immediately stop aggression and respond to "meanness" ("Michael! Stop that!"), we should quickly move into an Intent to Understand ("What's going on?") and then return later (after 3 or 4 responses born from a simple curiosity to understand the child's experience from the child's point of view) to the social context of rules, limitations, restrictions, and wants-needs-desires of others ("Okay, so you're feeling xyz because abc took place. But you cannot do qrs!"). Finally, because children import our feelings and stresses into themselves, just “as-if” these feelings and stresses were the child’s own, it becomes very important that we work out our excessive stress, anger, sadness, and anxiety. We need to find our calm-and-relaxed place of gently positive happiness. If we can find and enter this brain state often, then our children can join with us in this brain state of relaxed happiness, which is very healing and supportive of successful social relationships and task performance. Because mothers typically are the emotional-psychological core for the children, I typically recommend that father’s support their children’s healthy emotional, social, and psychological development by pouring love and support into the mother. If mom is happy and relaxed, she will be psychologically available for connection with the children. If mom is angry-hurt-stressed, then the children may break psychological connection with her and their behavior will become “problematic.” If there is anger in the marital relationship, try to quickly translate the anger into hurt (you hurt me so I hurt you). If your spouse is angry at you, ask what you did to hurt his or her feelings. Anger typically involves criticism of the other (… so I hurt you). Criticism provokes defensive counter-anger (i.e., an anger-hurt-anger-hurt-anger-hurt two person cycling). Try to disrupt this exchange of hurt-anger-hurt-anger by focusing and discussing the hurt not the anger. Provide nurturance for the hurt. Heal the hurt with compassion, love and understanding. Anger, as an emotion, is not meant to be used within the family or social group. Try to limit anger, try to increase happy. I hope this information may be of some help to you. I'm afraid I can't offer much more at this time because of professional limits on my ability to comment on specifics using online media. Good luck to you and your family in finding more positive and affectionate relationships. Craig Childress, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist, PSY 18857

My Mea Culpa & Prayer for the Future

Below is my reply to the message left by Kay A. Sell (targetedmom@gmail.com) at: https://plus.google.com/107481159040685358337/posts/gU4LJ6YgU6e Dear Kay Sell: I felt exactly the same way when I first stumbled upon Dr. Craig Childress' Youtube material. "Eureka|, I thought. At last, someone who knows (and can explain precisely) what has been happening in my family for the past 20 years or so. Dr. Childress is the first person I know who has such a complete understanding of exactly the dynamics at play in "special families" like mine. My daughters turned 18 and 20 (in 2014). Only someone who has lived and experienced this family trauma first-hand, from within the family home, can recognize just what an enormous contribution Dr. Childress has made through his life's work and research. Like you, Kay Sell, I am deeply impressed with Dr. Childress' empathy for the plight of all the members of the family including both the alienated and the alienator. While he does not back down from identifying symptoms of pathogenic parenting in all of its forms, Dr. Childress still extends a hand of compassion and understanding to ALL members of the special family. Let there be no doubt. Everyone loses in these special families. Children lose a parent. A parent loses his or her children. A marriage is dissolved. A delusion is passed on to members of the next generation. Lives are potentially destroyed. It is a lose-lose scenario for all involved. All for nothing. That is the most tragic part of all. An true emotionally available parent remains an emotionally available parent throughout his or her lifetime. He or she loves their children unconditionally, regardless of the depth of the problem or the degree to which the attachment system has become twisted. I love Childress' bloat analogy... how a healthy dog's stomach can become twisted or distended. If left untreated, it can kill the dog. Yet a cure is at hand. All it takes is a visit to a vet. Likewise, the family dynamic he describes with such tremendous exactitude can be treated. The treatment is explained in his "Dr. Childress Speaks With the Child" Youtube series. All it takes is a 30-day commitment and a willingness to "lean into the discomfort". It is short-term pain for long-term gain. In the final two minutes of Dr. Childress' 2014 presentation at the University of Southern California, he takes a moment to express a surprising level of understanding for the alienating parent. Even if it is these persons who have complicated his life and continue to do so, Dr. Childress is able to honour the fact that such parents were originally child victims themselves. As small children, they were unable to escape being abused. "Splitting" was their way of coping. It was at that moment, when the first-generation child was unable to escape a terribly abusive situation that the seed of disfunction was planted. It would grow into a fixed delusion. One that the alienating parent would have for life. In his video series "Dr. Childress Speaks to the Child", he show how to transform the situation into a win-win for everyone. That is why, like you, I feel a deep and abiding sense of respect and admiration for the ongoing body of work Dr. Craig Childress is contributing to this terrible, tragic family dynamic. Where there is life, there is hope. As parents, we must always believe that one day our loved ones will choose love over hate, and peace over discord. They say that it takes two to tango. Today I must confront my role in enabling this destructive dynamic to wreck havoc in my family. As a healthy, emotionally-available parent, I should have been stronger. I knew deep down that emotional abuse can damage a child's psyche. Yet I believed that one day things would begin to improve. That one day my children would see me for the loving, caring man and father that I believed (and continue to believe) I am. I underestimated what I was up against. I was weaker than the forces I was up against. I was wrong. Terribly wrong. Today my youngest daughter likely believes that I don't care about her. Little does she know how deeply I love her. I love her the same way today as I did when she was six years old and sitting on my shoulders listening to yet another one of my interminable "Bernie the Monkey" bedtime stories. My love for her has never changed and never will. That is because I remain emotionally available to her... whether she knows it or not. My door is always open awaiting that she walk through it and back into my life. It is up to her now to decide if that is something she is ready and willing to do. It will not be easy, and there are no guarantees. To walk through the open door and back into my life, she would need to thumb her nose at a host of myths and fabrications that have ruled her daughter-father relationship to-date. Finally, in case my younger daughter is wondering, I regret what happened in the summer of 2012. I accept the role I played in it. I acknowledge that my daughter was hurt. I am deeply sorry for the hurt I caused her. My initial action was deliberate. It was meant to communicate to my daughter how it feels to have clothing destroyed. It was bad parenting and I deeply regret it. What happened a split second after that remains a blur. I was looking down the entire time and was in defensive mode when I felt her brush past me. Had I been looking up, I would have realized that she was falling forward. I was not, and did not. If I had, perhaps I could have caught her and prevented her from falling and hurting herself. As a father, I wish I have understood fully what was happening in those few split seconds and handled the situation better. I did not and today I live with the consequences as does she. My only hope is that by studying outside of province, my daughter will gain some perspective. That she will see the past ten years with greater clarity, just as I see those few seconds in the summer of 2012 more clearly with the benefit of hindsight. Finally I want to say thank you to Dr. Childress. I believe that you have hit the nail on the head in describing what is happening in these special families. Keep up the good work. B.N.

Reaction of a Mom in USA who watched all Dr. Childress' videos on Youtube and visited his blog

Dear Dr. Childress, I have long admired your commitment to contributing your brilliant insight and understanding of the "alienation" process. Tonight was the first time I watched your video series, and I am so incredibly impressed. You validate each member of the family, rather than blame and shame. You explain in simple evolutionary terms the horrendous behaviors that have deeply impaired my children's development. I can see how their guilt has created worlds of self destruction and emptiness. You have given me hope that even at 17 and 19, your words may reach them and they may have the chance to find their authentic selves again. Most of all, I believe these videos can stop the inter-generational madness of alienation in this generation giving my children a chance of having happiness in their future families. God Bless You!. I will keep you posted, and if we find success, I promise to help carry your message and talent with the world! Respectfully, Kay A. Sell (targetedmom@gmail.com) Source: https://plus.google.com/107481159040685358337/posts/gU4LJ6YgU6e

A Powerful Poem by Khalil Gibran - "Your children are not your children..."

This posting is dedicated to E. and L. From Dad "On the Children" by Khalil Gibran Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Have a good Feb 6-7 weekend E. and L. Regards, Your Dad XXOO

attachment is at the root of this family's problem. Re-attachment can provide a complete solution

Feb 1, 2015 Today I watched the Dr. Craig Childress guest lecture given at Southern California University approx. 1 month ago. He explains the complex dynamic that, I believe, has been at work in this family for over 20 years. He also offers a way out of this tragic situation, affecting special families like mine. The solution or treatment is given in the second half of his most recent presentation to psychological department at Southern California University. The way out is best summed up in his youtube series called 'Dr. Childress Speaks with the Child'. Wow. At last a way out for me and my loved ones. At last a solution proposed by someone with the unique psychological insight and work experience to have figured it all out. How would Bernie the Monkey get us from there to where we need to go to help everyone and make things OK again? I guess he would start by leaving a clue in a blog. Not unlike this brief note. A day then he would hope and pray that his loved ones would somehow find the clue and check out the Craig Childress body of work in his daily blog entries and his amazing youtube videos. Wow. It all makes sense now that I have a clinical explanation for the terrible darkness that descended on my family so many years ago. Let's hope Hansel and Gretel are able to follow my trail of Childress breadcrumbs and follow them out of the dark forest and back to parental's unconditional love. That is the mission that will absorb much of my free time again this year. As long as I am ALIVE and breathing, I will seek a way to complete the attachment with the loved ones in my life. May God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

“I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.”

Quotes from Jarod Kintz, author of: "The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over" “The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type.” . “More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement.” “I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed.” “I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?” “When people change, I’m disappointed they’re not who I remember them being. And when people don’t change, I’m disappointed they still are who they were. All people do is disappoint, and I do mean all people.” “All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line.” “Fight or flight? If I had wings, there’d be no choice. But since I don’t have wings, I have to rely on my cape, and a long running start.” “Hydrogenated and androgynous milky white love is all I have to offer you. Would you like me to pour it in your coffee, or directly into your soul?
” “When I meet a European, the first thing I say is, “I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football.” “The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is it’s about 50 weeks too short.
” “Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom.
” “I travel light. But not at the same speed.
” “I’ve got a sizeable retirement nest egg. It’s an ostrich egg, and it’s going to make an omelet so big that it’ll produce enough leftovers for decades.
” , nest-egg, ostrich, plan, planning, produce, retirement, time, vision 140 likes like “How can I clearly see what’s wrong with someone else, and then look at myself as though I’m standing in front of a fogged mirror?
” “Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can't run with them, or spread them?” ― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over. tags: idea, ideas 122 likes like “I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.” “The reason it’s hard for men to say “I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.” “Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only.” “Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He’ll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next door. I even tell God the exact address, as if He can’t read my heart. But it’s not for His benefit, it’s for my neighbors’.” “Smiling is the way the soul says hello. Obviously a frown means goodbye. Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s what my soul is saying right now.
” “Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only itchier.” “Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head.”

Luc Pilon - Memorial (Jan. 9) in honour of my very best friend in H.S.

http://www.brunetfuneralhome.ca/index.php/#top Date de naissance : 18 décembre 1963 Date de décès: 28 décembre 2014 Nécrologie: M. Luc M. Pilon Originaire de Clarence Creek, Ont., est décédé le dimanche 28 décembre 2014, à l'âge de 51 ans. Il était le fils de Jeannine Chartrand et de feu Georges A. Pilon. Il laisse dans le deuil ses 2 filles, Vicky (Mathieu) et Sarah (Youri Eric) ; ses 2 frères et 2 soeurs, Lucie, Paul (Marianne), Marc (Safaa) et Lise (Jacques). Il fut prédécédé par sa soeur, Émilie. Il laisse également sa conjointe Sophie Martineau et sa fille Jade, Martine Tardif, la mère de ses filles, ses oncles, tantes, neveux, nièces, cousin(e)s, plusieurs ami(e)s et la grande famille; Minto. Un grand merci à l'équipe dévouée des Soins Intensifs de l'hôpital d'Ottawa-Civic, pour leurs excellents soins et support. Des dons à l'hôpital civic d'Ottawa, 1053 Carling Ave, Ott, ON K1Y4E9, Tél: 613-722-7000, peuvent être faits. Les funérailles seront célébrées le vendredi 9 janvier 2014 à 11h, à l'église Ste-Félicité, rue Landry, Clarence Creek, Ont. La famille recevra les condoléances à l'église avant le service à compter de 10h. Pour de plus amples renseignements communiquer avec la : MAISON FUNÉRAIRE THÉO BRUNET & FILS 2419 rue Laurier, Rockland, Ont. 613-446-4691 Condoléances et Dons au www.maisonfunerairebrunet.ca A funeral will be held on January 9, 2015, at St. Felicite Church in Clarence Creek for my best friend in high school, Luc Pilon. I miss my old friend, Bouchon (Luc). I was in the midst of repairing a broken washing machine when Lucie called me with the news that has brought us all together today. a kitchen full of activity. break the surly bonds of earth and touch the face of god Luc first befriended me in Grade 9. We were not facebook friends. We were real friends. Social media did not exist and it was the PC was still four years away. Luc was non-judgemental. He was easy to talk with, and had an interest in everything. Life is short. Don't wait to re-connect with loved ones IF YOU CANNOT BE WITH THE ONES YOU LOVE, LOVE THE ONE'S YOU ARE WITH. AIM HIGH. Be ambitious in your dreams. Luc's dream was to design the space shuttle. la navette spaciale. That dream propelled him to become an architect, a designer. Small acts of kindness. Mutt and Jeff are inseparable friends. Luc found me when no one else was able to. He understood me when no one else did. Designing spaceships... Luc has designed his own spaceship. He has designed a way to travel to his sister Émilie.

Spent a sleepless New Year's Eve and Night with Rwandan-Canadians

Spent a sleepless New Year's Eve and Night with Rwandan-Canadians New Year Celebration 2015 - "Rwandan-style" I arrived at the Rwandan-Canadian New Years Eve's party with my sister-in-law (Alphonsine) and her sister and the sister's two daughters. The all-night celebration was held in a lovely large house in Gloucester, Ontario. New Years Eve 2014 was intended to be a quite relaxing evening. In fact, it was a full night of dancing, eating, talking and then more dancing. I was with a large group of friends and family who were scheduled to head back home New Years Day. Little did we know that we would be awake, bleery-eyed, and still dancing right up until the break of dawn. Just as we finished dinner at midnight we decided to have a toast and have our glass of champagne for New Years cheer. There was music and dancing for both young and old. For the people of Rwanda, being a good dancer is serious business. As I made my way to the house in Gloucester, I joined in with the families who were on their way to celebrate New Years Eve. Once inside I found a seat up front and claimed a spot as the house was filling up fast. The kitchen and living room were connected to rooms on either side each filled with a dancers. The music started and to my surprise traditional Rwandan song music started to play and a group of young dancers came out and lined dance dressed. The elders ensured that their kids knew how to dance. It was a beautiful sight. It went on all night!! One father took turns dancing with each of his daughters. And one woman ensured both her sons made the most of the opportunity to show off their dance moves. Everyone clapped to encourage the young children to venture out on the dance floor. It was heartwarming to see the trust and understanding the kids were displaying for their parents and other elders at the party. I am sure some of the kids did not necessarily want to stay up all night dancing. But they did. "Life is short", several people told me during the "nuit blanche". "That is why we stay up all night on New Year's Eve." This was one new Years celebration that will never be forgotten. I danced, talked and ate till it was time to get back home at 6:00 a.m. So much for sleep!