Try to limit anger, try to increase happy. How to find more positive and affectionate relationships

While we always need to immediately stop aggression and respond to "meanness" ("Michael! Stop that!"), we should quickly move into an Intent to Understand ("What's going on?") and then return later (after 3 or 4 responses born from a simple curiosity to understand the child's experience from the child's point of view) to the social context of rules, limitations, restrictions, and wants-needs-desires of others ("Okay, so you're feeling xyz because abc took place. But you cannot do qrs!"). Finally, because children import our feelings and stresses into themselves, just “as-if” these feelings and stresses were the child’s own, it becomes very important that we work out our excessive stress, anger, sadness, and anxiety. We need to find our calm-and-relaxed place of gently positive happiness. If we can find and enter this brain state often, then our children can join with us in this brain state of relaxed happiness, which is very healing and supportive of successful social relationships and task performance. Because mothers typically are the emotional-psychological core for the children, I typically recommend that father’s support their children’s healthy emotional, social, and psychological development by pouring love and support into the mother. If mom is happy and relaxed, she will be psychologically available for connection with the children. If mom is angry-hurt-stressed, then the children may break psychological connection with her and their behavior will become “problematic.” If there is anger in the marital relationship, try to quickly translate the anger into hurt (you hurt me so I hurt you). If your spouse is angry at you, ask what you did to hurt his or her feelings. Anger typically involves criticism of the other (… so I hurt you). Criticism provokes defensive counter-anger (i.e., an anger-hurt-anger-hurt-anger-hurt two person cycling). Try to disrupt this exchange of hurt-anger-hurt-anger by focusing and discussing the hurt not the anger. Provide nurturance for the hurt. Heal the hurt with compassion, love and understanding. Anger, as an emotion, is not meant to be used within the family or social group. Try to limit anger, try to increase happy. I hope this information may be of some help to you. I'm afraid I can't offer much more at this time because of professional limits on my ability to comment on specifics using online media. Good luck to you and your family in finding more positive and affectionate relationships. Craig Childress, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist, PSY 18857