“I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.”

Quotes from Jarod Kintz, author of: "The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over" “The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type.” . “More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement.” “I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed.” “I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?” “When people change, I’m disappointed they’re not who I remember them being. And when people don’t change, I’m disappointed they still are who they were. All people do is disappoint, and I do mean all people.” “All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line.” “Fight or flight? If I had wings, there’d be no choice. But since I don’t have wings, I have to rely on my cape, and a long running start.” “Hydrogenated and androgynous milky white love is all I have to offer you. Would you like me to pour it in your coffee, or directly into your soul?
” “When I meet a European, the first thing I say is, “I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football.” “The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is it’s about 50 weeks too short.
” “Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom.
” “I travel light. But not at the same speed.
” “I’ve got a sizeable retirement nest egg. It’s an ostrich egg, and it’s going to make an omelet so big that it’ll produce enough leftovers for decades.
” , nest-egg, ostrich, plan, planning, produce, retirement, time, vision 140 likes like “How can I clearly see what’s wrong with someone else, and then look at myself as though I’m standing in front of a fogged mirror?
” “Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can't run with them, or spread them?” ― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over. tags: idea, ideas 122 likes like “I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.” “The reason it’s hard for men to say “I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.” “Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only.” “Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He’ll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next door. I even tell God the exact address, as if He can’t read my heart. But it’s not for His benefit, it’s for my neighbors’.” “Smiling is the way the soul says hello. Obviously a frown means goodbye. Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s what my soul is saying right now.
” “Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only itchier.” “Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head.”