Bernie The Monkey Helps His Creator Cope With Loss

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago in a land far, far, far away... there lived a little monkey named Bernie the Monkey. One morning, Bernie the Monkey awoke suddenly in his little bed in his little room in his little house in the little Bosquet Magico (Magic Forest). Someone was weeping softly outside his bedroom window. "Is that you, King Aaron," Bernie the Monkey called out from under his warm blankets. "Has the Giant stolen the "Goose that Lays the Golden Eggs" yet again. Do you want me to sit atop the butterfly that is as big as an airplane, engage in mortal combat with the flying vulture who keeps insisting that he will only "be glad when I am dead", and rescue the goose only after an exhausted giant falls asleep with a sore nose and eye (from when I poke him with the spoon in the coffee cup) and then tie gunpowder to his big toe and make him go "kaboom"... Is that what you require of me, my old friend King Aaron? If so, just let me know," Bernie the Monkey called out to his old friend as he rummaged around for his "Round the Bush... Round the Bush big black bearskin housecoat. To his great surprise, however, when he finally looked out the window he did not see his good ol' friend King Aaron sitting on a toadstool outside his bedroom window. Instead it was someone Bernie the Monkey had never, ever seen before. Someone he was never meant to even glimpse at for fear of upsetting "spacetime". As all educated monkeys know the space–time continuum is a mathematical model that combines space and time into a single interwoven continuum. The spacetime of Bernie the Monkey's universe is usually interpreted from a Euclidean space perspective, with space consisting of three dimensions, and time as consisting of one dimension, the "fourth dimension". On this bright, crisp September 9, 2015, morning however Bernie the Monkey was thrust suddenly into a FIFTH DIMENSION as he looked into the face of the man behind the invention of the hairy little ape-like Bernie. "Are you the Wizard of Oz," Bernie the Monkey asked hesitantly. No, the man replied, I am Laura and Elizabeth's father. I lost my two daughters just over three years ago and don't know how to find them. I left a trail of breadcrumbs but the crows devoured them all years ago. I left a trail of white quartz pebbles but the stonemason collected them all, unfortunately, to decorate his new cement fireplace mantlepiece. I left a trail of broken hearts but the winds of time have carried them all away. I left a trailing tale of woe in the form of tears but the flowers soaked them all up on the morn' when the dew forgot to appear. I left a pathway of children's picture books from the Alta Vista library and covered them all with honey (for honey is sweet and so is reading) but the animals of the forest collected them all and returned them to the library after three years and $3,000 pesos in late fees. I left a host of faded Kodak photos from the childhood years only to have the winds of time sweep up every last remnant of photographic evidence that I ever existed and throw it into the dustbin of forgotten history. I left a maze of intricate memories (such as playing ping pong on the kitchen table; dancing to the musical theme of "Un homme et son péché" des Belles Histoires des Pays-d'en-Haut de Claude-Henri Grignon" on the old parlour radio in the Museum of Science and Technology, awaiting the tickles that invariably followed the tr_sty, r_sty, p_ck_t knif_, dancing in the kitchen with each of my daughters when they were infants to the sound of Debussy' Clair de Lune for 21 minutes (it was absolute heaven and the girls could fit in my hand when I first began that custom which continued until they got older), playing in the bathtub with the two of them splashing water everywhere and having a grand old time...

Grief and Ongoing Pain in Parents Dealing with Alienation - By Dr. Barbara Steinberg

Grief and Ongoing Pain in Parents Dealing with Alienation By Dr. Barbara Steinberg Q: A parent who has been alienated from his or her child's life experiences extreme loss. Often we are asked by a targeted parent, "How do I deal with his on-going pain?" Defining the problem A: First, know that you are not alone. There are others, both mothers and fathers, who have similar experiences, and who are in deep agony over the loss of contact and meaningful relationship with their children. Second, know that you are not crazy. In our culture we are not encouraged to experience our grief. We are taught to be strong, to rise above it, to tough it out, to get over it and get on with life. Sometimes that is wise counsel if we linger in our pain, and our outrage becomes the complete focus of our life affecting our work, our social life and our spirit. However, the loss of a child whether by death or by exclusion from that child's life is beyond the realm of most parents' ability to cope. In the beginning of an alienation process, we believe, as parents, this is not really happening. We deny that the other parent of our child is capable of these vengeful acts, and we choose not to believe our child, whom we love deeply, would ever treat us in such a hurtful ways. Denial is the strongest emotional defense mechanism we have at our disposal, and it is the one on which we rely the most. For most parents, because they truly want contact and relationship with their child, their denial does not hold up under time or with the reality of the disconnection they experience. Third, many parents feel confusion, which suggests they are not able to identify and process the bunch of emotions; they are experiencing in their gut. Usually, these can be separated into feelings of deep sadness, intense anger, extreme outrage, and desperate blame. To keep from being overwhelmed by this internal "bucket of worms," many parents detach from the situation that they believe is an act of self-preservation. Some bargain with them using the following logic, "My child will get what's happened when he/she turns eighteen so I'll just wait." Both strategies are akin to whistling in the dark. Fourth, targeted parents want to know how to deal with these strong emotions in healthy ways because if allowed to remain unreleased, they often gain a life of their own and emerge at inappropriate and inopportune times toward others who do not understand or deserve the depth and intensity of the feeling. Sometimes, these emotions are held internally. In an attempt to self-medicate the resulting pain, the targeted parent turns to addictive behaviors or substances. Eventually, if strong emotions are held internally for a long period of time, they can convert into physical problems, which plague the individual for the remainder of his/her life. So the dilemma remains, what do I do with my pain? Keeping a journal or diary is helpful, but strong emotions require active self-interventions. Many parents report feeling relief from their deep sadness by allowing themselves to cry and scream. If you believe this might assist you in your process, to avoid embarrassment, it is wise to isolate yourself perhaps in a quiet, natural place so you can grieve in an unrestrained and unobserved way. It is also helpful to take a sequence of your child's pictures so you can activate your feelings of loss. Intense anger is a physical activator so you will need to participate in a focused activity such as bowling, driving golf balls at a range or hitting balls in a batting cage. A less expensive approach is throwing ice cubes at a sturdy wall, an activity, that parents report, gives a sense of relief and release from ever tightening bands of anger. Outrage describes a parent who feels misunderstood so there needs to be some attention paid to "telling your story." The problem is finding a receptive listener who has the patience and energy to hear the saga of hurt, frustration and humiliation more than once. Targeted parents can tell their story into a small tape recorder; they can write their story by hand into a journal, a loose-leaf notebook or a diary. They can use a word processor and store it on computer disc, or if they are creatively inclined, they can write poems to their children. Some parents have already published their story in books and poetry. Of importance here is the intention to alleviate the outrage of misunderstanding that, as a parent, you are unimportant, even nonessential in your child's life. Also, it is important that you be heard, and that you remind yourself that you are still a parent by keeping your child's pictures around you. Another approach is to involve yourself in the parenting role with other children as a Godparent, as an involved uncle or aunt, as a Big Brother or Big Sister. Validating yourself as a parent can go a long way to heal feelings of outrage. Finally, desperate blame is probably the most difficult bereavement issue to process. Some blame is justifiable: the other parent, the other parent's family, the legal and social services system, your child, yourself. Solving the problem However, the only one under your jurisdiction of control is yourself so this is the part that you work with in three separate ways. First, it is critical, regardless of the attitude and reception from the other parent, from the other parent's family and from your child that you stay in positive contact with them. Civility and cordiality in face-to-face contact is essential regardless of what is said in your presence or behind your back. In addition, sending your child cards, letters and little packages on unimportant days is appropriate. Also, communicating with your child by telephone, by e-mail and by facsimile can be effective. If you have completely lost contact with your child, then set your priority to find him/her and restore contact at least by distance. If this is impossible, then collect items and memorabilia in a special box or trunk reserved for your child and the possibility of future contact. Second, become active as a citizen for positive change, and learn about the strengths and weaknesses of the system you blame for preventing you from having parenting opportunities with your child. This action may not change the disposition of your situation, but you may make the system a better place for other targeted parents and their children. Third, for your sake and for the sake of your relationship with your child, it is imperative that you forgive the other parent. Notice there was no mention of forgetting what has happened, or how you have been treated, but again, for restoring your emotional balance and your ability to cope with life challenges in healthy ways, you will need to forgive the alienator. For some, this is a spiritual journey, and for others the path is a secular one. What is important is that you go about this process in a unique way that you believe will work for you so the specter of losing your child is diminished, and your health and well being are in restoration.